Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Love isn’t fucked up…the lover is.

Love is created by the lover….and the lover just happens to be human. Yeah…you and me.

We can get so angry at what love is, but what it is…is an energy that we exude. And if that energy that comes from us is tainted or toxic, where should our anger really be placed?

So, maybe we’re actually mad at the experiences of the potentially fucked up love we’ve had, not love itself. And those experiences are controlled and contained within us….they are the choices we make because of the way that we’ve learned love….and if we haven’t questioned our own versions of love, can we really decide on what it should be?

What we hate is the pain. What we hate is the potential and fear of pain. What we fear is the desperation and the helplessness it can create when someone doesn’t desire us anymore.

So….have we attached too much to the fairytale? Maybe.

Maybe the fairytale is what gave love the ability to blindside us so easily. Because of the fairytale, we expect unbearable passion, constant heightened experiences and enlightenment, revels of danger that are dominated by the desire and dedication of the one who loves us(supposedly), and that there is a climax(maybe marriage?) that reveals all, and leaves us to bask in clarity and peace with a perfect partner that has everything we’ve ever wanted.

First off, marriage is a construct. It was built for gain, and most recently, molded into an expectation of two lovers who are supposed to be everything to each other, never faultier, and never give up. But marriage isn’t necessary nor is it the end all of relationships. It’s not the conclusion of love and it doesn’t prove soulmates, or secure a forever together situation.

Second, we tend to chase love as if it’s only meant to be right with one particular person. Love is meant to be flawed just as much as it is to be an overseer of those same flaws. Every relationship has it’s purpose, and we are allowed to love and let end. But, it doesn’t have to be concluded with hate and disgust and ‘I never should’ve.’ We truly limit our ability to learn and know compassion if we let it go this way.

Two of my favorite people in the world that will never know that they are, just happen to be my exes. Not because they gave me something no one else has, not because they didn’t hurt me, and not because it ended without damage…but because they gave me their best. They were flawed just like I was, and even in the end, didn’t try to turn me into a demon. They are my favorite people and I still love them because they made a better version of me. They put me to the test, and I came out far better for it.

What better reason to want love, than to become better at it?

When we want love, most of the time we will go through unbearable conditions to get it.

Love is one of those things that still has no limits. It’s still not completely understood, yet we will do amazing things to commit to it. And I think that’s AWESOME! We may even commit crazy love crimes in order to just get a piece of it. To be honest, I’d take a unicorn’s life for love…just sayin. But, I’m not trying to divide what healthy vs. unhealthy looks like. Not yet anyway…

The first lady I chased harder than anyone ever before. And when I caught her, I didn’t realize what I was in for. She has a heart that pumped stronger than my own. But in the beginning, I couldn’t get enough of her. It was an insanely romantic and sexualized relationship. I was twitterpatted…smitten if you will. But I was so wrapped up in our physical and passionate relationship, I wasn’t ready for what really mattered. I don’t think I ever had been.

Ultimately, I didn’t embrace and trust my own heart enough to be able to handle another. I was running on money and image and fun. I had no internal fortitude, and no idea how to communicate and show up emotionally. I was afraid. I was in fear of breaking under the pressure of love. I was afraid I could never meet the expectations of her heart and her affection, so I turned away from it…but not before taking a knife and slashing through it. I seriously made her bleed. An act I was definitely not proud of.

Don’t worry…a scarred heart is a strong heart. And she’s where she’s supposed to be.

After I learned my lessons, I had become something different. I had become something….capable. I was aware. I was driven by something other than money and things.

I stood with my new strength, and I took on the task again. Only this time I found a heart that was willing to give all that there was. She was bursting with life…but she also had this wall made of thick stone and barbed wire. It was protected in a way that I couldn’t get through. I could never get close enough to show my warmth and my dedication. I thought I’d done everything I could.

As I pursued, the barriers never fell. I became desperate and angry about my inability to open her up. And what I found in the end was that it was still me. I hadn’t built a trust deep enough to allow HER to open to ME. I was still guarding myself and aggressively asking her to go beyond her own limits when I wouldn’t go beyond my own. I didn’t give her an integrity or consistency strong enough to trust that open action.

And so I found new reason to work on myself again. I found that it wasn’t that the world wouldn’t give me what I want, but that I wasn’t ready enough to handle what I wanted. I don’t believe we have to be perfect. I DO believe that we have to be mindful in our moments.

I’ve found that everyone wants love, but not everyone is ready for it. Even me. Even when I think I am. Not everyone can accept it, despite what they want to give… because we haven’t yet looked into ourselves to see where we still stay guarded; where we ask to take but not to give, and where we say to trust when we ourselves don’t trust.

The point is not that we aren’t ready enough, it is that to figure out that we are not ready, we still have to pursue love in order to know what’s missing…regardless of what will come up, and regardless of the fear and the unknown.

The difference will be, are we strong enough in the moment to change our trajectory when it comes? Can we be there in that space with another, ready to take on what we weren’t ready for?

Some hearts will never open. Not because they are not capable, but they cannot see their inability to open. In fact, it’s true of most of us at one point or another. A guarded heart can never accept love fully. The love it gives is conditional, and the love it receives can never fully impact it. And it’s not our job to open it, even when we see it’s potential.

Love is crazy complicated and unjust in a lot of ways. But we cannot blame the heart for the pain it causes or the guard it holds up. Everyone’s heart has been cut and slashed and purged at some point. And the scars that are created can really harden it. So I think we have to give attention to the mind that controls it…and every great relationship will take two fully open hearts. And two fully open hearts are ones that have done loads of work, introspection, self assessment and humbling responsibility. It’s work of two people in a symbiotic relationship with the mind and the soul.

Some hearts may never open, and some may only receive the right combination for their lock.

Do not hate love for not being simple. Love is a teacher that will challenge you to be vulnerable even at the full potential of being hurt. It will ask you to be open and endure. Only then will it give you access to it’s greatest depths. It will ask you to give beyond your means, and care beyond your decided limits. It will ask for humility, commitment, compassion, and depth all in the times that you least want to give it, or are not capable of doing so.

For me and so many like me (this may be you too), love will be a difficult thing always. At least until we can recognize what closed the silly thing in the first place, and release the trauma that’s been done to us.

What caused us to be afraid of love in the first place?! That is the question…

I fully believe that the heart is capable of loving not only an intimate partner, but an all encompassing love that we have for people, community and the world. Others just like us that are truly just trying to take on the human experience.

When we realize that the more we pull down our walls and the more we remove the barbed wire, the more we ASK to be loved rather than deflect or shy away from it, then more that we will be rewarded with a love that is so unrecognizable, we wonder how we’ve lived without it. I don’t think love is a fairy-tale…I think it’s real. It just doesn’t look like the movie portrayal. And my gut tells me to believe in it.

The open heart may have been closed, but before that it had to have been open. We were born with open hearts; ready to receive and ready to give. And through an open heart our bodies are given euphoria over what the heart expresses, and our minds are willing to endure whatever it takes to keep it.

I’ll keep working on opening my heart if you keep working on yours. The love we seek may not be perfect, but it’s definitely better than the lack luster we’ve settled for…

Love true and love hard my friends.

Stay rebel minded.